I was getting ready for work last night when it dawned on me how much clothes I have in my closet. It's literally brimming full, all parts occupied, stacked and hanged, I could not close the door shut anymore. Part of me is happy knowing that I have earned all these but part of me is sad because I know I have amassed some in excess. But I could not stop buying. I could not stop treating myself to some well-deserved retail therapy a little too often. Don't get me wrong... I am not in debt because of all these and I have bought all in cash to say the least. I've already ditched the plastic for more than 3 years and counting. I ought to cut back I know and beef up my retirement savings so I can live comfortably when I can't work anymore. Maybe I'll skip buying the blue dress I am lusting for and get myself a new closet...bigger, so much bigger.
I also need a closet or maybe just one cabinet I could put all my books and magazines in. Will scout for one and make sure it has enough room for my purses and bags too.
And I need another closet to store my emotions. I need room for happiness, paranoia, stress, doubt, fear, hurt, trust, hope and love. I cannot contain my happiness and I am in sheer delight. My relationship with KB is going well, pretty much in a straight line. I need room for paranoia too because I don't want to move around dragging this feeling along. I need to store it away. I need room for stress. All the stuff I need to do at work stresses me big time but a good look ahead at my horizon read: "vacation" sends me good feelings. I need room for doubt. I suddenly got a bout of doubt over someones true intentions and sincerity are to me today. This loomed during my entire day at work and I could not possibly shake it off until I am convinced and left with no traces of doubt. I guess I just need time to think things through and sort everything out and take things a little slower. I have given him so much of myself and I have laid down so much on the line and fear is settling in. I don't want to lose him. I am scared as hell to lose Kevin. I don't want another failed relationship, I don't want another heartbreak. If only feelings/emotions are like clothes that I could hide in the confines of a cabinet and never see or wear them when I don't feel like wearing them. If only feelings are disposable. If only a heart can be bought easily from a convenience store and replaced just as easily.
At the end of it all, I think I just need a closet with lots and lots of room for trust, hope and love. And all those inside would be for myself and for the only man I've fallen in love so deeply with. I need to trust myself and KB. I need to always look forward to a better tomorrow. And, I need to love myself and KB even more.
I also need a closet or maybe just one cabinet I could put all my books and magazines in. Will scout for one and make sure it has enough room for my purses and bags too.
And I need another closet to store my emotions. I need room for happiness, paranoia, stress, doubt, fear, hurt, trust, hope and love. I cannot contain my happiness and I am in sheer delight. My relationship with KB is going well, pretty much in a straight line. I need room for paranoia too because I don't want to move around dragging this feeling along. I need to store it away. I need room for stress. All the stuff I need to do at work stresses me big time but a good look ahead at my horizon read: "vacation" sends me good feelings. I need room for doubt. I suddenly got a bout of doubt over someones true intentions and sincerity are to me today. This loomed during my entire day at work and I could not possibly shake it off until I am convinced and left with no traces of doubt. I guess I just need time to think things through and sort everything out and take things a little slower. I have given him so much of myself and I have laid down so much on the line and fear is settling in. I don't want to lose him. I am scared as hell to lose Kevin. I don't want another failed relationship, I don't want another heartbreak. If only feelings/emotions are like clothes that I could hide in the confines of a cabinet and never see or wear them when I don't feel like wearing them. If only feelings are disposable. If only a heart can be bought easily from a convenience store and replaced just as easily.
At the end of it all, I think I just need a closet with lots and lots of room for trust, hope and love. And all those inside would be for myself and for the only man I've fallen in love so deeply with. I need to trust myself and KB. I need to always look forward to a better tomorrow. And, I need to love myself and KB even more.
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