Déjà-vu

“You couldn’t have everything in the world”.

That’s what I always remind myself with. See, I expect too much. To the point that I already have close to impossible assumptions. My imagination is so fertile that I can concoct scenes and situations inside my head. I assume. I presume. I rationalize.

I assume because I wanted to be ready on what’s in store for me. I wanted to know how to deal with every situation I am in. I presume because I hate the feeling of failing, of not getting what I fervently hope for, wish for. I rationalize because I don’t want my pride to ever come in the way. But oftentimes, my pride always comes in the way. Maybe I have been too vulnerable before that I don’t want to feel like it again. I have been there, done that. When I am confronted with a choice, I always choose the one with less emotional investment because I know at the end of the day, I tend to lose more than I invested. So, the less attached I am, the more bearable the hurt would be. But then again hurt would still hurt no matter how petty the reason is.

When things like this happen, every time my bubble bursts, the only thing I could think of is a bar of dark rich chocolate and a couple of hours in a spa. If I couldn’t have everything in the world, at least I can have someone “knead” my woes away.

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A peek inside the fishbowl:

1. My manager has given me my end of year performance review already and I could never be happier. I have gotten what I expected. I felt rewarded. I am happy my numbers have been translated to words in that review. It feels good to be deemed exceptional. It feels good that my efforts have been recognized. I am thankful to God as always for making me ever so resilient and making me feel optimistic. I am thankful as well for the people I worked with for the past fiscal year for giving me the challenges that I strived to meet. I am committing to sustain the performance and continue giving it my best at all times.

2. I have been going to the gym with Jonah everyday this week. We have been religiously attending classes (cosmic cycling/RPM, Les Mills Body Jam to name a few). We have to say the least have been overloading on cardio. As I write this, I could not wait for our next session. And yeah Madison (the yoga mat) is getting some use too. Still, the best reward for working your butt out in the gym is when people tell you the changes they see. I have been getting a lot and it definitely gave me much more gusto to not stop what I have started...yet again. This time, there's no slacking, no giving up.

3. I am officially enrolled as of today for the 3rd term. I have enrolled for two subjects at the Ateneo Graduate School of Business. I have my class modules already and for sure this weekend will be spent coming out with two papers, one for each subject. March and April will for sure will be hectic to say the least but I have high hopes I would be able to manage. (downside: less gym time). Anyway, some mental exercises on a Tuesday and Thursday would not hurt.

4. Underpromise, Overdeliver! - Thank you S-mate (you know who you are). You have been the source of some smiles lately. Thank you for the wonderful conversations and the encouragement. You have undoubtedly given me the courage to live again and see what's out there. And thanks for thinking for a name to label someone.

5. This is for YOU: "Hey, you don't look happy. But I could never question your motivations. Next time you two take a picture together, well, at least smile so you make your exit way better. Don't give me or should I say us more reasons to think how lame you were. Don't give me the luxury of laughing out loud because I see you're not growing old wiser. Yes, I think you are growing old unhappy because you are and were never content. I'm not sure though if you could ever be happy when you profess and confess your love to someone when you are in fact with another one. Ahhh, you think you could forever entangle me inside your web? No, I was always a step ahead of you. Remember when you said you hurt yourself in PT and I said what's next? How sad? Still, I wish you the best. It's never too late to change. And yeah, what goes around comes around." - I don't hate you at all. Simply because you have given me more reasons to love myself.

6. The lil sister has recently passed the Nursing Licensure Examination and she is now undergoing training for her first real-world job. I could not believe how fast time flies. I could still remember our childish fights and the one we just recently had. Haha! But yeah, we are in speaking terms again. I am a proud sister regardless.

7. More thank you's go out to everyone who have stuck with me and who have indulged my justifications and rationalizations these past few days. Jonah and Joyce, thank you for the willingness to listen to all my blurbs. This time, I can say I should have listened to you early on. N and J, thank you for the conversations we have had. You girls were great and I wish we all move on with our heads held high. S, thank you for our thought-provoking conversations. Thank you as well for "Must Be Nice", unlike the first time I listened to it, there's no more tears now. J, thank you for making me smile and yes I have already forgiven you for standing me and Jonah up. R, thank you for the willingness to listen and for being an awesome friend who unselfishly gives me the men's POV of the story. Give your little brat a kiss from me. Uncle D, thanks for the several "wake-up-there's-another-red-flag" conversations we have had. And yes, I am following my head and my heart this time. I am a better person because of y'all.

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