While trying to start my sabbatical today (well at least from overloading people with my status updates in Facebook and the other social networking sites I managed to be enlisted in), I found myself watching TV and I get so much inspiration on what to write and I have so much things I want to do in so little time. I am going on a sabbatical (slowly but surely) in an attempt to understand the meaning of things that is happening around me. I am a generally happy person but when things like what I am in now happens, it's like I've lost a limb. I often catch myself crying until I could no longer breathe...and that has been the scenario in my room for a little more than a month now.
I am in a very sad state lately, quite even in the dumps for some situation I could not explain myself. I am caught in a labyrinth. However, I don't think I have the right to question such fate because I am still more than lucky to be alive because I can still dust myself up and rise again. I know I will not be grief-stricken for years to come and I know in my heart that one day I would be able to find some answers to all the questions that I have right now.
Picking up the pieces is excruciating. Each little fragment of what used to be bears the indelible imprint of the memories, echoes of the voice and laughter, and shadows of the face and form of that one person I thought I am going to spend the rest of my life with. But I could not hold on any longer, I could not put my life on hold. It is just too much to bear at this point. He has been my priority but now I think I am just merely an option for him (I would be happy if I am not just an option). But in every sense of it, it's over. The silence is just eating me alive and I could not let it consume me. Yes, I took the blame for sometime. See, I over rationalize things but if no one pulls the plug who will? I could choose to be helpless in my pain, wallow in self-pity but I do not want to be in this sad sad reality. Did I give too much or too little? Actually, it doesn't matter anymore. I have learned my lessons and it is but high time to start healing and start a new chapter.
I am going back to school for the next term to finally finish my MBA. I have already told my parents about my plans. I have fixed my financial plans and goals as well. Travels (albeit alone) is in the books. I am going to make 2010 my year no matter how complicated it started.
I am just allowing myself to grieve now. I know I will heal. I maybe weak now, vulnerable even, but I will find my strength back again. I know this too shall pass...
I love you, goodbye!
2 comments:
As I read your blog, I can't help but feel your pain. I don't want to assume on what happened, but more or less.. I speculate.
Months back, I believe I was on the same scenario as you were. I followed the 3 month rule. And, frankly speaking, I thought that was the end of everything. My life stopped as in literally stopped for a second and then I realized... Things happen for a reason...
I'm sure you'll get over it and get over it as fast as you can. Feel the feeling and let it go. That's what I did. I reminisced, I looked back, feel the love and all the pain and whoola.. the next thing you knew.. you'd be waking up one day smiling... again..
Let me know if you need someone to talk to. I'm here, ready to listen and share tequila if you need one. Believe me, I have like 3 long neck "the bar" for 3 straight freaking nights..
Cheers.. Smile... There's a lot of reason to be happy.
Thank you for the concern Abby. I appreciate it. It's very ironic what happened. No arguments, no misunderstandings, no nothing. And then suddenly one day, one person stopped and pulled the plug and that was it. My perfect fairytale just went poof into thin air.
Post a Comment