Abruptly The Moth Died9:46 AM
When my mind starts revolving, when I become a jumble of emotions and can't sort out what I need or want to do, I get all worked up but unable to think straight and then I lie down, looking at the ceiling, way past through the ceiling if need be. Eventually, even if it takes a while, I get up and start wondering what just happened and then I write or I shop or I do something else to take my mind off this jumbled heap.
A little while ago I fell in love against my better judgment, but I did anyway, that's just me ever the risk-taker. See, the one thing about me that's never changed, despite everything, is that the only decisions I really and truly regret are of what I did not do when I could have, as compared to the choices I made that turned out to be the wrong ones. I can live with making mistakes (I'm only human after all), but I find it difficult to keep wondering "what if?" I hate dealing with what if's and so I just do it with utter nonchalance and complete abandon of course at the back of my head the probability of another used to be is simmering.
I suppose it does not even matter now. The decision I made then was always the right one and both he and I went on with our lives, and for the better I hope. And yet that young heart of mine (I'd like to believe so), the one that still exists even if only in memory, hurts like it used to. It still hurts how one's bubble can be popped into thin air just like that. It hurts even more when you least expect it. It's worse when you can't even think of the most appropriate word to say at that very moment and you are suddenly in the denial phase. A resounding "You don't need to protect me from you!" just won't go away and I hear voices, I hear my own trying to blame me for keeping my mouth shut.
The one that's in me now, however, the one that was broken and fixed several times over, knows that it will be A-OK soon enough. Time heals all wounds they say. And I may even congratulate myself for walking away when I did and for all the right reasons then, and now. I'll even be grateful that he and I crossed paths, enticed me into his fire and brought some sort of death to my existence. Abruptly, I died because I played with fire!
I haven't felt the searing pang of heartbreak in so long that it's easy to think I never did. But in reality I did and since I am stubborn enough I deny myself that experience to grieve. I won't grieve. I will only remember the happy times.
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