8:43 PM

I've opened up and blogged about how I lost my second baby through miscarriage while the emotions were still raw and while I still remember everything. It was a very sad day for the family and I felt devastated. My OB-gyne said it could have been caused by a developmental problem thus the body had to weed it out - kind of nature's natural process of elimination in order to retain only the "best" among the pack. But you know science and emotions don't mix so hearing that reason made it all the more confusing for me.

I spent the past few days reading miscarriage stories of other moms online and in fact signed up for different support groups. I didn't know that there are so many mothers who have experienced this situation and some even experienced twice, thrice, and some four or five times. I spent the past few days talking to moms who have been in my shoes. In fact, after posting an update in my Facebook page, an acquaintance shared to me that she had miscarriage as well early last week (around the same time that I lost mine). I could never accurately explain the immense amount of hurt that I feel. I really felt like I was breaking into a million little pieces. To say I am terrified would not accurately paint the picture of grief, despair and trauma. I find myself bursting into tears when someone sends me a message of regret or when someone checks on me. I find myself sobbing in the middle of the night.

In between sobs, I look for ways to memorialize the short life of our Baby Poppy. I thought of planting a tree or planting a poppy flower but poppies don't really grow here in the Philippines. I thought of buying a wax doll but I don't know what the features of my baby are. I never got to touch here, much less see her. To be real honest, I'm not 100% sure that she could have been a baby girl - it's just my gut feel that tells me that. I thought of naming a star for her memory.

I also thought about investing in a piece of antique and vintage jewellery to signify how precious my baby was for me, for us. The antique rings from Berganza caught my attention and I really like the antique fancy pink sapphire ring as well as the art deco marquise-shape diamond ring. I like the former because of its color and I like the art deco ring because  of its design. Berganza rings look really elegant and timeless and handmade by craftsmen when mass production was not yet a thing. I'm also considering to buy a necklace or a just a pendant that would remind me of Poppy and how I am changed by her short but sweet existence. I'm going to write a blog post again once I have finally decide which option I would take.

Indeed, pain is God's way of catching our attention. We sometimes forget about God when we are in the middle of happiness, achievements and other trivial sources of happiness. We call on to God more when we are under a stressful and life-changing situation. God manifests His presence in many different ways and He asserts his power over our lives by putting us into tests and trials. We may not understand God's ways, but we can always rely that His motives are pure and for our own good.

Do you have other ideas on how I can memorialize the life of my baby angel? If you have experienced miscarriage, what did you do to remember the life of your little one? Please leave a comment below and let's share ideas. It will be a long road to recovery and I expect to catch myself cry again. But one thing is for sure, I will always remember my baby! 

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